There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
