Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
