Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
