I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just pynch a tree in the face
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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