so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I think I am morally bankrupt
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
