fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
