BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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