Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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