I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
