He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
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Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
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Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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