you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
