see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
