I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize