did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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