Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
