I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
