My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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