It's like a parade of train wrecks.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
