My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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