Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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