if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
