dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
