I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
