my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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