Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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