please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
