I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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