I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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