I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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