I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
