Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
