I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
