Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
