So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
my liver is dry heaving
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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