you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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