Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She bit a glass in half.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
