i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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