i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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