Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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