i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
