Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
