I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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