Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
