i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
