if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
