My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So many bounce houses so little time
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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