Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
