: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
