My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Randomize
