Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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