To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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