My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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