i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
