My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
